shawee's charmed world

Done!

2009-08-09T03:19:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I am enjoying a stress-free Sunday evening - free from interviews and cram sessions, as well as worries and nervouseness. And I am determined to keep it this way until it's time for serious thesis proposal writing.

Last week has taken a heavy toll on my time and my sanity (well, almost). I spent August 8 atthe DFA, being interviewed (read grilled) and assessed of my potential as a future ambassador (yep, you read that right) by one of the DFA's grilling teams. Fortunately, I was able to tolerably answer their questions without showing them how scared I was.

I was rather hoping I'd flunked the 2009 prelim interview for potential foreign service officers. Just as I was set on searching for the right journals for my thesis proposal's review of related lit, lo and behold, the following day, the DFA emailed me that I passed the prelim interview and that I was qualified to take the written exams. The written exams are, by all accounts, scary. Lawyers are more suited to take it than a mere chemist/biochemist. I mean I'm used to giving the most concise answers possible, and am simply not used to giving winded answers. But then again, I simply went to the DFA last August 5 to 7 to just try my luck.

And the exams were difficult. I didn't know the answers to all questions, so I merely bluffed my way through the essays. I was glad the moment I handed in my foreign language answer sheet (although I did get my Spanish verbs mixed up and forgot what little vocabulary I had), and practically fell into bed as soon as I got home.

I guess I just have to focus on my thesis proposal now, and not bother to await the results of the written exams. There's a 9.99% chance that I flunked, so I better prepare myself for things that demand my immediate attention - like preparing for thesis proposal defense (which, by the way, is scheduled next month).

Perhaps I'm not just meant to be a diplomat after all. I never wanted to be one, anyway. I prefer a quiet life of service, away from intrigues and politics. That kind of life can only be achieved behind closed lab doors where only output is important.

Now, if I may stop typing and start related lit.

Rainy Days and Sundays

2009-07-26T02:16:00.000-07:00

It's been raining hard since I woke up to my usual Sunday waking-up time - that's a little after noon. Everything's wet and cold and kind of dready to me.

To make matters worse, the streets are flooded so I can't even get to the nearest convenience store to buy my usual Sunday brunch or even to the ATM machine to withdraw some badly-needed cash. Instead, I'm doomed to eat pancit canton and bread with cream cheese while waiting for the streets to go back to their non-flooded condition. On second thought, being stuck with eating bread and cream cheese may not be so horrible as it sounds. And I still have several packs of organic oatmeal and crackers as well as a half-filled box of Weet-Bix (goes well with milk and bananas, trust me) just in case I grow bored of bread adn cream cheese.

My internet signal is fortunately okay despite the disturbance that might be caused by the rain. Thus, I am still able to connect to the outside world, write this post, and watch some Charmed episodes on Youtube.

Watching Charmed has relived memories of my university days when the show was very popular. In fact, that's one of the things I looked forward to when coming home for sem break or Christmas break - Mom and Dad allowed me to watch whatever whatever shows I wanted to compenste probably for TV deprivation during school days and hell week. Sad to say, I started missing entire seasons when I got busier in school. Thanks to Youtube, however, I'll be able to watch some of the episodes I'd missed.

Being at leisure is something of a luxury to me, and rainy days help bring it about.

Apologies

2009-07-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the very long silence. I just can't help it. Will post new stuff as soon as I have the time.

a hateful entry

2007-09-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

this is one really hateful article i'd written last feb 14, and i have a feeling that this is the reason why i got a horrible case of acne afterwards.

a not-so-happy hearts day

Today is Feb the fourteenth and I suppose three-fourths of our increasingly-polluted world is busy getting dressed for a date, buying flowers, driving to so-called romantic places, eating aphrodisiacs (did I spell that right?), and doing heaven knows what else. The loveless, however, just treat today as if it were an ordinary day. We go to work or school, toil like hell, go home, and sleep. We sometimes go out as a huge groups just to avoid dining alone and looking like idiots.

With each dateless - and loveless - Valentine's day, I grew more and more cynical until I've reached the point that I no longer believe in true love and happy ever afters. It's better that way than hope for that someone who never comes or who just plays with you for a while and discards you when he's through. I guess I'm just playing the part of a traumatized person, but I think cynicism has its good side - it acts as an anesthetic against the pain.

Those who have been discarded by their so-called prince charmings will doubtless agree with me that all guys are jerks and those who are not are gay. Unfaithful guys really irk me. That's why I don't blame Etheria's Queen Avria for killing her unfaithful husband and his mistress. I'd do the very same thing - maybe worse - if I were in her shoes. It is indeed crushing to a girl's ego - yes, we do have one - to be dumped for someone else. Especially if that other woman is way below her level. Especially if the other woman has skin that's riddled with pimples , a dull complexion that very badly needs a scrub, a horrible sense of style (e.g. she does injustice to the inventor of the tanktop), and very cheap taste.

I wonder why some guys do that. I'd gone through the exact ego-crushing experience and it was horrible. I've put that behind me, but occasions like today bring out that memory. And I can't help but burn with rage. Toward him and the girl he'd chosen over me. I sometimes wish we had a system that eliminates people as horrible as they are. This world really can't afford more broken hearts and crushed egos.

To my ex, I do hope your karma catches up with you. Happy Valentine's Day!

of faded letters and old emails

2007-08-19T05:48:00.000-07:00

Both have one thing in common: they are safely tucked away - one in my room in Palawan inside the old plastic storage box I'd used way back dorm days, and the other in my Yahoo inbox.

I'm talking about letters and emails. Both are important to me because I'm a creature who loves to write. There's always something about writing - especially letter-writing, whether by keyboard or via the old-fashioned way - that appeals to me. This may be a natural result of my excessive fondness of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice (in which several letters are exchanged between characters), or this may be due to genetic predisposition - my dad's dad was a doctor of letters, while Mom and Dad are also pretty good writers (I found out after doing a bit of snooping).

My best friend Vannie shares the same love for writing. She and I used to write to each other when we were still undergraduates. Her letters, which I've kept to this day, were always written on nice stationery with that penmanship that somehow fits her personality. The dozen or so letters were originally kept in a pink plastic file case, until the case "retired" from service. It then forced me to keep the letters in my old storage box to keep them out of reach of termites.

I can't remember what each letter contained, of course, because there were plenty of them. Some, however, remain in my memory because of their unusual contents.

One letter mentioned a cake recipe (Grandma's Carrot Cake was the name) that Vannie and I had planned to bake for Lola Pangindian (our Math 17 prof) at the end of the semester. Unfortunately, the plan never materialized because we both didn't know a single thing about making cakes.

Vannie shared her own version of macaroni and cheese in another letter. I can't remember the ingredients now, but I tried it once and it turned out good.

At the end of one note Vannie wrote, "You're so sweet, you can melt anyone with it..." (Well, I'm not that saccharine, you know). A letter or two were friendly reminders about my not falling too hard for a certain guy.

The other letters were, more or less, descriptions of our lives as students and as friends - the joys, struggles, tears, laughter, and other issues. One only has to read our letters to peek into the minds of two seventeen-year-old girls who were still in the process of learning something about the not-so-good side of the world. Perusing and reperusing those precious leaflets written by a teenager's hand enables one to see the gradual metamorphosis of two idealistic girls into more worldly young ladies.

Emails - especially old ones - are things that I also treasure. My Yahoo inbox has emails that are about six years old. I just don't have the heart to delete them for one reason or another. Most of them are from friends, and are very heartwarming. Let me share some of the not-so-personal ones.

From my high school classmate Liezl (22nd of April 2006):

sorry shye i had u waiting.... nalingaw ko sa movie.
Hanggang Ngayon ang title c regine n richard gomez ang nagdala.
shye mura gud 2 ikaw c regine, taga-davao pud cya. hahaha
nka eyeglasses, simple but beautiful..
familiar ka sa movie...
first time nya ma-inlove pero mahadlok cya bacn bayaam xa sa guy..... (mka relate ko gamay)
ikaw, mka relate ka????

----- I guess she wrote this after a particular chat...

From Mark, my college pal (23rd of October 2003) before I started my thesis:

Dear Ate shawee,

Sa totoo lang nga, eh parang napapaisip ako kung gusto ko pang mag-law. Ang labo ko noh?! Hehehe! Para kasing ang tagal eh. Napapaisip tuloy ako na parang gusto ko nang mag-work.

Sya nga pala, member ka ba ng bsbcbatch2003@yahoogroups.com? Diba heto yung yahoogroups ng biochem batch natin. If not yet, join ka na dun para masaya. We are planning a get together nga this week eh. Punta ka ha?! Do you have any suggestions? Like saan ang magandang place and time?

Good luck sa thesis. Kaya yan! Huwag mo munang kakainin or kakatay\in yung mga rats mo kahit na maloka ka pa diyan. Keri lang yan. After thesis defense mo na lang silang katayin kung gusto mo. Pero feeling ko, by that time eh super happy ka na sa results at baka isa-isa mo pa silang mahahalikan. hehehehehe!

From my best friend Vannie (24th December 2003) :

mamu, remember this? please review the article before I post it online in my blog. if you have new materials out there, please feel free to email me the document or if it is handwritten, you can snailmail me at 27 romualdez st bf homes, quezon city 1110 or drop by up diliman or i'll drop by up manila. just make sure our skeds fit. :Phappy holidays!!!

mabuhay ka, lord of charings, lord of badings! :D

me,

vannie (the ever cute!)

From Don, another friend of mine (24th October 2005)... this was during the time when he asked me to help him edit his thesis manuscript...

Hi Sha,

Another section for chapter 4. Hope u can finish this asap before weekends. I wish to submit the wholechapter 4 by friday this week. thank you very much!!!!!!

regards,

Don

These and more are filling my inbox almost to the brim. But then, I'm really thankful for having great friends who care enough to send me a line or two.

Faded letters. Old emails. They help us relive fond memories of happier times, and inspire us to look forward for more.

between best friends

2007-08-18T02:57:00.000-07:00

not so long ago, my best friend emailed this to me. this entry is actually a collaboration of sorts between us, and deals with the unrequited love issues we'd had way back when we were still naive college students.

a lot has changed, of course. vannie and i are no longer as naive as we were, i've grown a bit cynical about finding true love, and van and i are separated by hundreds of miles.

let's take a look at what we felt then....

Cycle o’ luv
Pardon the mushy thoughts of a bemused person. It’s true that birds of the same feather are the same birds and they DO flock together. After about two years, I came across writings my bestfriend and I did about our pathetic nonexistent lovelife. The writings were well-kept in a ragged sketch pad and some had computer printouts as a result of the second editing I did. As I was reediting it again for the third time, it dawned to me how similar my situation has been with my bestfriend years ago. What she has been through may be what I might be going through right now.

I therefore reached a semi-theorizing moment of how things undergo a cycle. And as for our lovelife that never was, I think the cycle begins with the denial/bitterness/apprehension stage. Denial for liking the new target person and bitterness for the past one (if applicable). One might also be apprehensive to get into the cycle again for the fear of hurting again. The next step is the testing step wherein observation, getting-to-know you, going out, calling…blah blah blah communication crap takes place. Before one comes to any conclusion that the target is indeed to be admirable/likable/what-have-you, explicit/implicit interaction is a good method. After the testing is the confirmatory step. As soon as one confirms in his/her mind, heart, whatever-the-matter is, then he/she is up to the next step…which is; confession. The person may confess directly to the person, or privately within his/her cliques.

Hence, the cycle goes:

*I think I like this person.

*Denial/bitterness/apprehension à Uh-oh, this can’t be (denial)/I’m still hurting from the last one (bitterness/apprehension)

*Testing à What’s wrong with a little coffee, movie, and hanging out?

*Confimation à He/she isn’t so bad after all. He/she is indeed likeable.

*Confession à I like this person (to friends/indirectly)/I like you (directly)

I cannot add more to the steps in this cycle for I haven’t progressed anywhere beyond those mentioned. The same goes for my bestfriend. The difference between us lies where she is more brazen in courting a guy; whereas I have only a blog, a journal, and friends to ‘fess up to. I haven’t perchance mustered enough courage for direct confrontation no matter how outspoken I am with respect to other non-lovelife matters.

To further let you visualize the semi-theory on the almost-but-not-quite lovelife (rather, the unrequited one) stance, here are the writings to be unveiled again after its third editing…

In chronological order, let’s take a peek into my bestfriend’s life back in 2001-02.

Shattered

The day began with joy, but ended with heartache. It began with high hopes, but ended with broken dreams. That was the day that shattered my heart and changed my direction in life.

“I already have my special someone- and you know who she is.”

For a moment, everything stopped moving when this sentence registered into my brain. It was like a bombshell that reduced my hopes and dreams to rubble. Just like the tragedy of the previous week, my world collapsed, and I was never the same. I sat there, trying to pick up the broken pieces and put them together again.

How could this happen to me? Why does it have to be like this? I asked myself questions as I walked home, and I myself figured out the answers, which ranged from rational to irrational. It was a battle of sorts- my rational mind telling me to forget about him and go on with life, and my heart telling me to despair and cry. That was the day I could not understand myself. Everything seemed to crumble and fall apart, and I desperately tried to restore my world.

After the emotional storm, my head began to clear, and I was able tot think clearly and objectively. I realized that life has painful realities that must be faced if I wanted to grow and mature. I had been in fairyland far too long and it was time for me to wake up, and to know that all of that was just a dream, and no matter how pleasant dreams may be, they do not exist in real life. No matter how painful, I must accept that I was not a part of his life, nor would I ever be. I must come to terms with the fact that someone else possessed his affections, and I could never find a place in his heart.

My world collapsed momentarily, and my heart was, and still is, shattered. However, it does not give me the right to mope all day and cry. It is not reason enough for me to stop living. Life is too precious and full of surprises. I cannot just stop right at one of the bends in the road. I am determined to face life with a happy spirit and a noble heart. I want to do everything with grace and to enjoy and appreciate the things that are given to me. At this very moment, I am rebuilding my life, and making it pleasant and more meaningful.

*shawee
19 September 2001

An Early Evening

Class, it’s already 6:00. Let’s continue our discussion next meeting. You may go now.”

At last, another grueling day has come to an end, I thought as I hurriedly descended the stairs. I still have plenty of time to make it to church. This is gonna be a great weekend, I told myself.

I half-ran through the hall and hurried towards the gate. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I almost didn’t hear my name called.

”Hi there!”

I glanced up, and saw my friend *Diane sitting on the railings near the guardhouse.

”Hello Diane. How are you doing? Has it been ‘toxic’ lately?”

“Oh yes. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep these past few days.”

“Me too. I’m not even sure if I’ll pass my coming horrible exams.”

Then I noticed that she looked at me differently. Uh-oh, what’s going on here? Diane was speaking.

”Please tell me honestly, are you in love with Fred?”

“What???!!!”

I was dumbfounded, not knowing how to reach, and desperately trying to keep my composure. I remembered, two days ago, my friends asked me the same question. Diane was there, but I didn’t know she had been listening to the conversation. I thought she was asleep, drained by more than 18 hours of laboratory work. Oh my, how am I going to answer her question?, I thought, bringing myself back to the present. She still had the knowing look on her face.

”You don’t have anything to hide from me. I’ve noticed that you’ve been treating Fred differently. The way you treat him isn’t the way you treat other guys.”

I knew I was blushing, but I tried hard to maintain my composure and keep my voice cool and calm.

”He’s just a good buddy, nothing more, nothing less. He’s a good partner-in-crime material.”

“He’s a very nice guy- a real gentleman. I can prove it to you by the way he behaved during our youth retreat last month. He was very helpful.”

“Really? Well, I think he’s too good for me. I don’t deserve such a nice guy.”

“I’d be glad if the two of you end up together. Don’t e afraid to love.”

“That’s what scares me most- commitment. Besides, I find it hard to hell him those kinds of words. It may even affect my academic performance and I simply can’t allow that to happen.”

“You may not be vocal, but you are a very expressive person. It shows in your actions. Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean failing your subjects. Having an ambition isn’t a hindrance to loving a person.”

“I dunno Diane, I just dunno. Well, I think I have to go now. Church service starts at seven and I don’t want to be late.”

“Okay, bye. Have a nice weekend.”

“You too.”

Hmm…strange. How on earth did everybody know? I muttered to myself on the way to church. Yes, I do love Fred, but I don’t want to confess it to anyone other than my bestfriend.

My thoughts turned to him, the tall, intelligent, deeply spiritual, sweet guy. He’s all that Diane has told me- and more, I chided myself. He’s such a good guy. Yes, I admit it, I love him very much. I love him more than I’ve ever loved a guy. He may not be good-looking, but it’s the inner that counts. He’s been sweet to me lately. What’s more, I always catch him looking at me for no reason at all. I’ve noticed too that he seems happy and at ease when I’m with him. He even took me home last weekend when the other guys refused. Fred’s a super great guy, and the girl who catches his heart will be very lucky. How I wish to be that girl!

I was awakened from my reverie. I had arrived at my destination. Picking up my bag and gathering my books, I stepped out of the vehicle and walked to church; happy, thrilled and lovestruck.

*shawee
25 February 2002

(*) is a fictitious name in lieu again for the real person’s name. This piece has been edited for the third time since its construction; the second time it was edited was back in between March to May 2002.

*van
3rd edit, 24 December 2003

Tabletops (a letter lying on a table, waiting to be read…)

Dear Fred,

I hope you are well, although you are very busy preparing for your coming exams. Just hold on, you’re almost there. Keep up the good work and don’t lose hope.

You might be wondering why on earth I’m writing you. I don’t write letters to just anybody. In your case, however, I feel that a letter is necessary to let you know my feelings and to ensure that no one else does.

Fred, I want you to know that I’m falling for you. Don’t ask me why, when and how. I don’t know the answers myself. I cannot fix the exact date or the reason for this. So gradually did it happen; that, before I knew it, I was caught in the middle and couldn’t turn back. Through that time, you were always in my thoughts. You’re the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. I can even think of you in the middle of my “killer” chemistry class. I can picture you even if I’m giving a class report or taking an exam. I don’t know what this is all about. I know only one thing, and that is, I love you more than any guy I’ve ever met. You may not have the good looks but it is your inner self that attracted me. You are intelligent, deeply spiritual and caring person.

Falling in love with you has caused me to feel jealous of the girls who are with you. Allow me to tell you that jealousy has never been a part of my life until now. I feel insecure whenever there’s a pretty girl who joins our youth group in church. She may likely catch your eye. This caused me to prejudge pretty girls in church and to resolve not to talk to them, or have anything to do with them.

I know I’m not the perfect girl for you. You don’t prefer ambitious, outspoken and radical girls like me. I’m all of that and I’m proud of it. However, I’m also a girl who’s not afraid to speak out her mind or stand for her principles. Most of all, I’m a girl who’s capable of loving a guy, and that guy’s you.

Fred, I don’t know what your reaction will be when you read this. You may think it unusual for a girl to openly declare her feelings for the guy she loves. Forgive me for being so bold, but writing you this is much better and less painful than telling you in person. I love you and I hope you’ll live with that.

*shawee
11 March 2002

*van
3rd edit, 24 December 2003

the first post

2007-08-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

i've created this blog for lack of something to do. as i write this, there's not a single interesting movie in the nearest cinemas, i can't gorge on fastfood (for fear of getting fat again), and it's still too early to go to bed. so there, i have my reasons for creating this blog. hehehe.

hopefully, you'll like and appreciate my future entries.